What Cinderella’s Stepsisters Can Teach Us About Envy and Shame

“Don’t be ridiculous, Andrea. Everybody wants this. Everybody wants to be us.”

- Miranda Priestley, The Devil Wears Prada (2006).

Women’s friendships are often idealized as spaces of unwavering support and nurture, yet this perspective overlooks a complex and often painful reality. There's a deep-seated tension between the desire to be supportive and the discomfort of feeling competitive or envious (Sandmeyer, 2018). This tension is magnified by a societal expectation that women should always be allies, especially in the collective fight for equality. This "support imperative" can make it feel morally wrong to compete with other women, pushing any feelings of aggression or ambition into the shadows. However, if women can learn to tolerate their competitive feelings and own their strivings, they will be better positioned to compete in the broader world. This isn’t about tearing other women down; it's about acknowledging and processing our own ambition and desire for success.

Envy is a particularly toxic form of aggression, and it's crucial to distinguish it from simple admiration (Adrienne Harris, 1998). As Melanie Klein (1963) understood, envy isn't just wanting what someone else has; it's a desire for the other person to lose their "goodness" entirely (Ellman, 2008). This destructive impulse often stems from a feeling of internal depletion, where one's own sense of worth is so diminished that another person's success feels like a personal attack. Envy, in this sense, is not a primary emotion, but a defensive maneuver to protect against the more devastating feeling of shame. When we feel inadequate or "not enough," it's easier to redirect that pain outward as envy toward a friend's success than to confront our own feelings of inadequacy.

Unfortunately, this strategy backfires. Envy rarely alleviates shame; instead, it often intensifies it. We feel ashamed and guilty for wishing ill on a friend, creating a destructive cycle. The real work is to understand that the destructive impulse of envy is a signal of our own shame states. When you find yourself wanting to diminish a friend's success, it’s an invitation to turn inward. It’s a chance to ask yourself what you feel deficient in or lacking. This kind of self-acceptance—owning your limitations and "ugly parts"—is a far more productive path than trying to tear down someone else's accomplishments. By addressing the source of our own shame, we no longer need to use envy as a defense, and we can genuinely celebrate the success of those we care about.

This dynamic is starkly illustrated in fairy tales like Cinderella. The stepsisters’ envy is so potent and destructive that they become dehumanizing towards Cinderella, even in her destitution. Their envy is not a motivation to better themselves, but a force that seeks to destroy any goodness they see in her. Instead of asking themselves, "How can I improve?" they project their feelings of inadequacy onto Cinderella, seeing her as the one in the wrong. This blind envy hurts not only Cinderella but also the stepsisters themselves, as they become prisoners of their own toxic emotions. In this way, the fairy tale serves as a cautionary tale about the self-destructive nature of unchecked envy and its roots in unexamined shame.

Struggling with feelings of jealousy or rivalry in your friendships? I offer 1:1 sessions to help you understand the hidden emotions behind these reactions and transform them into self-compassion and healthier connections. Send me a message to start your journey

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