The Biology of Connection- what plants can teach us about relationships

When we talk about relationships, we often focus on compatibility – shared interests, values, and life goals. But what if there's another, more fundamental force at play, one that determines whether two individuals can truly connect at a deeper, almost biological level? Drawing parallels from the world of plant reproduction, we can explore the concept of incongruity and its surprising relevance to human intimate partner relationships.

Imagine the journey of a pollen grain as it seeks to fertilize a flower. This isn't a random event; it's a meticulously coordinated series of steps. The flower's pistil has specific genetic "instructions" that either create barriers or promote growth, and the pollen must possess the exact counter-instructions to penetrate and react appropriately. When this genetic "dialogue" is perfectly matched, fertilization occurs (Hogenboom, 1972). This intricate system underscores that deep connection isn't accidental, but rather a result of precise, complementary mechanisms achieving congruity.

Incompatibility in relationships refers to fundamental differences in values, goals, lifestyles, needs, or personalities that make it challenging for two individuals to coexist harmoniously. It's about a basic mismatch in who they are and what they want out of life and the relationship.

Contrastingly, incongruity, particularly in a psychological or relational context, often refers to a mismatch or inconsistency between a person's words and actions, or between their internal state and outward expression. It can also describe a situation where elements within the relationship don't align as expected, creating confusion or a sense of "something being off."

The romanticized notion of "You complete me," as popularized by Jerry Maguire to his wife Dorothy, while emotionally resonant, suggests a dynamic that can lead to incongruity if taken literally. If one partner is expected to "complete" the other, it can inadvertently place the burden of another's personal development onto them, rather than fostering two whole individuals forming a congruent partnership (Chapman, 2013 p.259).

In essence, incompatibility is about two pieces not fitting together well because they are fundamentally different shapes. Incongruity is about a single piece having contradictory or mismatched elements within itself, leading to confusion or a sense of disharmony.

Understanding the distinction between incompatibility and incongruity can shift our perspective from blame to recognizing where genuine foundational differences exist. This allows for a healthier pursuit of congruity, where partners truly align and contribute to each other's wholeness, rather than filling a void.

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