When Two Become One: Understanding the role of projective identification in romantic relationships.

Every couple faces a fundamental challenge: navigating the delicate balance between intimacy and individuality. While we crave the deep emotional bond of a partnership, we must also maintain a secure sense of self, with our own thoughts, feelings, and identity. This tension is normal, but for some, the need for connection can become a fear of separateness, leading to confusion and a frustrating feeling that only “one person” exists in the relationship. This experience may also create a sense of fusion that makes it difficult to tell where one partner ends and the other begins. These couples aren’t coming together to build a relationship; they are coming together to avoid one, because true relationships require the courageous recognition that you and your partner are, in fact, two separate people (Morgan, 2018).

This isn't a sign of a mental break with reality, but rather a deeply emotional defense mechanism at play. When the idea of being different or separate from a partner feels threatening, a person may unconsciously resort to a psychological strategy to deny that difference. This is where ‘projective identification’ comes in. It’s an unconscious psychological process where a person offloads unwanted or unacknowledged parts of themselves- like a disowned feeling of sadness or a fear of vulnerability- onto their partner. The partner then, often unconsciously, takes on and "carries" these feelings (Klein, 1946). This creates a state of psychological fusion, blurring the lines of who thinks or feels what and acting as a way to avoid the anxiety that comes with truly acknowledging their partner is a separate individual. Ultimately, this excessive use of projective identification in romantic relationships leads to a stifling fusion where both partners become psychologically trapped, unable to grow and develop.

We often choose a partner who holds qualities we've rejected in ourselves. For example, a partner who struggles to acknowledge their own anger may unconsciously offload it onto their spouse. They will frequently accuse their partner of being angry, easily frustrated, or having a "bad attitude," even when the partner seems calm. As a result, the spouse may begin to feel the anger that is being projected onto them. They may become irritable or explosive in a way that is uncharacteristic for them. The first partner then has "proof" that their spouse is the angry one, and they can continue to avoid their own feelings of rage by placing them “out there” in someone else, rather than acknowledging them in themselves. 

In the 2013 film Enough Said, the character Eva, played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus, demonstrates the concept of projective identification after she unknowingly befriends her new boyfriend Albert's ex-wife, Marianne. As Marianne continually complains about her ex-husband, Albert, sharing all the things she finds annoying about him, from his clumsiness in bed to his peculiar way of eating guacamole- she effectively projects her negative feelings and criticisms onto Eva. Eva internalizes these negative views, and they become a part of her own perspective of Albert. This process culminates at a dinner party where Eva, burdened by Marianne's negative attributions, acts on her newly acquired feelings. She begins to criticize Albert herself, mirroring Marianne's disgust, particularly when he eats guacamole in the exact way Marianne had described. This scene shows how Eva has not only introjected Marianne’s feelings but has also begun to project them back onto Albert, completing the cycle of projective identification.

The first step toward a healthier, more mature relationship is for at least one partner to recognize that they are not trapped by the other person, but by an unconscious fear of separateness itself. Couples who feel emotionally secure with a therapist can begin to explore their individual identities within the relationship. This process allows them to “truly see each other, as if for the first time” (Morgan, 2018 p.48).

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